How Survivors Find the Strength to Leave Abuse Permanently
Leaving an abusive relationship is a complex and often dangerous process, far more challenging than exiting other types of relationships. The decision to leave is not usually made impulsively; instead, it requires careful planning and execution. The risk of harm, harassment, emotional abuse, or even death can make the process feel like a high-stakes mission.
Understanding Why Survivors Return
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most complex decisions a person can make. Unlike ending other types of relationships, it involves navigating threats of violence, stalking, emotional abuse, and sometimes even the risk of death. This isn't an impulsive decision; it's a carefully planned escape that can feel like a mission to rescue someone from captivity.
Despite the risks, many survivors find themselves returning to their abuser multiple times. This decision, often misunderstood as reckless or unwise, is influenced by a myriad of intricate factors. A survey involving 844 survivors revealed that on average, individuals leave and come back about 6.3 times before they finally break free.
Here are four common reasons survivors return:
Hope for Change: Many hold onto the belief that their partner will change, clinging to the hope that the future will be different.
Emotional Attachment: Survivors might still love their abuser or fear that their children will blame them for the separation.
Economic Dependence: Financial constraints can make it difficult for survivors to support themselves and their children independently.
Isolation: Abusers often cut survivors off from their support networks, leaving them feeling alone and without resources.
Insights from Survivors on Staying Away
After listening to the stories of hundreds of women who have reached out to us here at Steps to Hope, here are just a few ways these brave women have managed to stay away from their abusive partners:
I wrote down all the hurtful words he said on one side of a piece of paper. On the other side, I listed my dreams and goals—things like the job I wanted, places I hoped to visit, and who I wanted to become. I kept this paper with me so when I felt weak or lonely, I could remind myself that going back wouldn't help me achieve my dreams.
I cut off all contact. I wouldn't be alone with him or speak to him except when co-parenting our kids. His strength was gaslighting, and I needed space to break that connection.
When he harmed my children, that was the final straw. There was no going back.
I started believing in my own worth.
I kept a journal of my life with him, and 75% of it was negative. I wrote until I had nothing left to write.
I got a tattoo saying, 'On the other side of fear lies freedom,' as a constant reminder.
I relocated to another state.
I joined a support group, made new friends, cooked, watched shows I couldn't before, read books, and completed my college education. The support group and counseling helped me change my internal dialogue.
One day at a time, I remembered all the people who helped me escape.
I focused on simple things—like the blue sky or the sound of birds and children playing. In abuse, all you hear are footsteps or doors slamming, waiting for the next blow.
I listed every awful thing he did and reread it until I stopped romanticizing a life that never existed. Then I decided I was the most important person in my life.
I confided in my therapist that he hit my child. This way, if I ever went back, I knew my child might be taken from me. My child is everything to me.
The Importance of Planning an Exit
When a survivor decides to leave, taking time to plan their escape carefully can mean the difference between gaining freedom or becoming trapped once more. It's essential to prepare for a safe departure.
For those ready to leave, careful preparation is crucial to ensure safety and avoid being trapped once more. Consider these steps:
Develop a Safety Plan: Prepare a detailed plan that includes safe routes, transportation options, and emergency contacts.
Gather Important Documents: Collect essential documents like identification, financial records, and legal papers.
Create a Support Network: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or support groups for assistance and emotional support.
Secure Finances: Open a separate bank account and save money discreetly to ensure financial independence.
Establish New Boundaries: Change contact information, and limit or cease communication with the abuser.
Seek Legal Protection: Obtain restraining orders or legal aid to safeguard against further abuse.
Leaving an abusive partner is a courageous act, and with the right support and preparation, survivors can reclaim their lives and thrive in freedom.