I'm Ashamed and Struggle to Talk About His Abuse
A survivor is faced with the return of her abusive ex and is uncertain how to proceed.
A survivor recently shared a distressing situation: she relocated to a secure community to escape an abusive ex-partner but suspects he has uncovered her new address. Fearful for her safety and that of her grown children, she is considering moving out of state. Her children remain unaware of her struggles, and she feels hesitant to disclose the abuse to them or her employer due to shame. She’s looking for guidance.
Living through abuse is deeply traumatic, and escaping it often leads to lingering fear and shame, which can push survivors into silence. Abusers frequently continue their harassment even after a relationship ends, driven by a need for power and control.
Consider pursuing a protective order, also known as a restraining order. This legal measure can prevent your ex-partner from contacting or approaching you at home or work, or otherwise harassing you. To obtain one, you would visit your local courthouse to file the necessary documents and possibly present your case to a judge. Evidence of past or current abuse, stalking, or harassment can strengthen your case. Steps to Hope can also help with the process and accompany you to the sitting judge or magistrate.
If you believe your adult children are at risk, it’s important to weigh the need to inform them so they can seek their own protective orders. While revealing your ex-partner’s abusive behavior to your children or employer is a personal decision, recognizing the danger to them is crucial.
It’s understandable to feel reluctant to share your experience due to shame or self-blame. Many survivors choose not to disclose abuse until they perceive an imminent threat to themselves or their children. However, remember that abuse is never the victim’s fault. Abusers choose to exert control, and understanding the cycle of abuse can help dispel any misplaced guilt. Your children, friends, and employer should not blame you for the situation. You don’t need to face this alone—support groups with fellow survivors can provide comfort and understanding.
If there’s a possibility of your ex appearing at your workplace, consider notifying your employer. For practical safety tips, see resources like On the Clock: How to Protect Yourself at Work. While some may worry about employment consequences after disclosing abuse, articles like Afraid of Being Fired? offer guidance on safe disclosure. Ideally, employers will prioritize your safety and can benefit from implementing a corporate domestic violence program, as outlined in our piece 6 Steps to Create a Corporate Domestic Violence Program.
Many professionals in criminal defense investigations have agreed that a stalker’s likelihood of making in-person contact often correlates with the level of control they maintained during the relationship. They suggest that your greatest risk may occur in workplace parking areas, as domestic-related incidents are a leading cause of workplace violence against women in the US. Providing your workplace with a photo of your ex and details of his the vehicle can be critical. They also point out the alarming statistic that a significant portion of mass shootings are linked to domestic violence.
A protective order can restrict your ex-partner’s access to firearms, although there are exceptions, such as for certain professions or if you were dating but not married. If your ex ever engaged in strangulation, be aware this is a high-risk indicator for potential lethal violence.
Moving again may seem like a solution, but if your ex found you once, he might find you will be found again, given today’s information accessibility. If relocation is necessary, learn how to keep your new address confidential.
In the meantime, consider these steps to enhance your safety:
Stay connected with local support services like Steps to Hope.
Explore strategies to safeguard your online and physical presence.
Don’t hesitate to reach out for support and assistance from domestic violence helplines and shelters.
Remember, you are not alone. For more personalized support, contact us at Steps to Hope, where trained advocates are ready to help.
4 key takeaways:
Understanding the Impact of Abuse: This article highlights the ongoing fear and shame survivors of abuse face, emphasizing the challenge of discussing their experiences with family or employers.
Legal Protection and Support: It suggests pursuing a protective order to prevent further harassment, with guidance on the process and the importance of connecting with domestic violence shelters for support.
Communicating with Children and Employers: It discusses the importance of considering informing children and employers about the abuse, especially if they might be at risk, while addressing the stigma and fear of blame survivors might feel.
Safety Strategies and Resources: This article also provides practical safety tips, such as notifying employers, safeguarding personal information, and staying connected with support services, while stressing that survivors are not alone and can seek assistance from various resources.